hail eris heuristic aristocrat mystic this hypnotist twist of fate feigning existance this chemical bliss in which childhood’s fixed in each diagnosis a new way of knowing i am going down i taste strawberries this is a choice? this is robbery this is my last memory before the second surgery: i was eight years old and my hair was already a victim of compromise i wanted it long my mom made me keep it short in the front ugh i knew it was wrong inside i cover my hair now. it is mine along with the scars. every day i feel the lines where they cut me open - all the gender binary magic they cannot explain only heavy mood stabilizers and don’t want to listen to my story i once wrote a song when i was fifteen i called it lithium cause it was the metal salt that built the wall of fog don’t let me know who i really am. lithium do i want to know who i really am? lithium reaching through the mists it’s been so long. a song can spend eleven years in a notebook and have all the answers, you just can’t be scared to look. well i’ve been busy running a bunch of the wrong steroid scripts for way to long. i’ve broken my habit with every other stimulant, took twenty six years to get a doctor to hear me instead of scare me, tell me that i’m crazy. whats wrong with me? i’ve got a hormonal issue that makes expert uncomfortable, so they keep the cracks wide and act surprised when i fall inside. it’s been twenty six years stuck with surgically modified equipment. do you remember puberty? do you recall the horror as your body betrays you rapidly due to the chemicals they put in you? wait you meant that didn’t happen to you? i thought it was normal. parents came up with a bunch of bad excuses why. i remember eavesdropping about hormonal imbalance, not keeping up with the charts. fuck a chart. i remember nine years old, all the kids in our science class made a graph by height and weight. there were two clouds of dots, one with all the little boys and my dot wasn’t in it. my heart’s never been in this shitty boy drag, this awkward gender performance. but there it was, plain as day. “jules is a girl’s name” “so what?” is all i could say.i’m sick of trans invisibility. i’m sick of pretending to make you comfortable with me. i was born this way, so they made me undergo surgery. so now i’m twenty six intersex and politically incorrect enough to risk my life to spit my lyrics that are heavier than anything around your neck. i am the baddest bitch the mic has ever known. i have double infinity chromosomes